Posted by Terry on March 19, 2004 at 18:41:02:
Hi! I want to thank you all again for your love and support. I miss you all and can’t wait to see you on Sunday.
The last four days in the hospital were different from the last few times in that I was so sick that 80% of the time was spent trying different drugs and treatments vs. tests. This gave me a lot of time on my hands. That is, time to think, meditate, and pray. I spent a lot of time writing in my journal trying to sort things out in me head, understand my feelings, and alleviate my guilt. I thought I would share some of my musings with you. For what it is worth here it goes….
3/18
I am lying here watching them pump poison in my veins in an effort to prolong my life. I am so tired. So many questions are swirling around my head like a hamster on a wheel. Why am I sick? Why am I still alive? What does God want from me? How can I make something good come out of this mess? Lately these questions have evolved into something more then just a futile activity to engage my mind. They have become an experience that confounds and overwhelm me emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I have not found a quick solution for ending my turmoil and confusion, but then I’m no longer looking for one either. I guess suffering is an inevitable reality. Some people try to tell me that this is God’s will or my fault because of “secret sin” or my lack of faith. I know that it is not God’s will nor is it His punishment. God is not hiding along the path of life ready to ambush me and punish me. People who try and push this “ambush theology” on me have no place in my life. I just live in an incomplete universe that has been corrupted by sin. All of nature is groaning to be redeemed. Well meaning people have told me things like, “Satan has meant this for evil but God means it for your good.” Man that pisses me off. God does not want me to go through all this shit. He weeps with me. In a loving and profound way God takes the suffering that I am going through and use it to purify my heart. He doesn’t do this because it is His will; He does it so that life is not futile, and that with suffering meaning comes. Wounds are a part of life but the God who heals wounds is a much deeper reality. All the turmoil in my heart: anxiety, denial, fears, anger, sudden shifts between hope and despair have been channels for me to dialog with God. Suffering, pain, illness, and death make no sense in and of themselves but through them I have been able to hear God whisper to me. He calls me by name and shares in my suffering and lets me share, in a small way, in His. He gives me a glimpse into his pain and the love that causes it. My pain and uncertainty has moved me toward the open arms of a loving God. A rich prayer life has been an unexpected positive result of all this. Crying, screaming and raging have been a deep kind of prayer as I name my hurt to God. These times of prayer end up with me quietly resting in the arms of my compassionate Father who comforts, and reassures me of his love.
The Chaplin just left and I love what he just said to me, “Good parents care for a sick child until healing comes. If it doesn’t they stand by lovingly until the child passes to new life. Know that your divine parent is even more eager to bring you to wholeness.”
Thank you God for what ever healing you bring to me. Even if you choose to leave me in limbo I choose to worship you and proclaim your greatness.