Posted by PS on November 14, 2004 at 15:12:33:
In Reply to: here is another story for you posted by jonvon on November 13, 2004 at 16:21:31:
: i am working on a novel.
Oh, goodie.
: i wonder if our vocation, when we find it, if we are not quite ready for it, i wonder if it is scary to us.
I think it has to be, at least if we really think that what we do matters, if it means something. If it matters at all to humanity, to the ones we love, and especially to ourselves, that is, our identity and our value, it absolutely MUST scare the hell out of us, don't you think? But the scariest thing is perhaps believing (or desperately hoping) that it matters, only to face the possibility that we will one day find out it doesn't.
: somehow being a father and having a somewhat predictable life, a life that i decided to live and to sustain, has evened something out in me. being home every night for my wife and my daughter has settled me. i can finally begin to write without being afraid of myself, or of the process. i'm a lot more ok with me than i ever have been.
The writing still means something (scary), you still don't know exactly what it will mean to anyone else (really scary), but the fact is that other more important, solid, substantial things have now defined your life, your meaning in life, and for that matter, you.
I realize I have not really addressed the fear of the process, but that concept is a bit strange to me, I'll admit. You may be way ahead of me in engaging that reality. I don't think I am afraid of the process, per se, only discovering meaninglessness in/through it, or perhaps receiving something beautiful that nobody else can fathom or validate. The possibility of those results would be terrifying to me.
: so now i am still writing code, but i am writing. i mean, i've been writing all this time, but its been email, and the odd poem here and there, and long diatribes on message boards, and blog entries, and so on. a short story here and there, that always ended up getting halted somehow.
I can so relate to the "writing but not writing as I wish to" scenario. Of course, my life is more formally regimented toward developing the writing & critical thinking skills that I desire to use, and in this, I may have felt less frustrated in my "waiting mode." But I think you must know that you have been in the same developmental mode in very real and purposeful ways, with substantial and meaningful development taking place, however veiled the form (formality) of that reality may be. One day you will likely see that very clearly, and it will be hugely inspiring.
: another thing that happened that started me on doing the novel, i got published in an online magazine, a trade magazine that covers the industry surrounding the product that i work in. they liked my stuff a lot, and told me so. in fact i ended up writing another article for them that they also published.
: something about that ended up pushing me to believe that i could do more. that i could do what i really wanted to do more than anything else in the world. which is write novels.
...and perhaps pushing you to believe that others might really DIG IT, that many people might find your creations wonderful, compelling, inspiring, intoxicating, and beautiful, and hopefully, on some levels, deeply troubling as well. I could not imagine anything you would create being otherwise. Lest that sentiment be misconstrued: something that is fearfully disturbing and transfixingly wonder-full at the same time is rare indeed. You are one person I know whom I believe could perform that miracle.