Steve, this is great...thanks for sharing

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: Steve, I know you wrote this to John, but I just had to respond to some points you made. : : I miss my friends. They all have their own lives, and I pray for them to find God in everything, though I know that many have left their first loves and are not happy as they once were. I hurt for them. I do very much miss them. : Steve, I remember you once saying that we were all mystically united in Christ. I totally see this. Although I at times do miss certain contact w certain friends, I trust that we are all truly united in some way which we do not know and cannot fathom. I rest in that, though sometimes I have to labour to enter into that rest. Still, it is a real confidence that was nurtured in me through something you taught one day on the marker board by your fireplace. : : I have rooms and rooms of junk. The extra rooms used to be the domiciles of interesting roomates. Now they are junk rooms filled with all kinds of disorganized clutter we have piled up to get it out of sight. : This touched me. I know what a room full of junk is too. I also truly enjoyed being one of those roommates, at TWO DIFFERENT residences. There was alot of love in our home. : : I love teaching, but all I ever wanted was to lead people to God. I just got so disenchanted with the flaws in the church I had to try to react redemptively in the only way I knew how--teaching about God apart from the controlling and abusive politics of the church. Now I am looking for the redemption I sought and just feel so cold. I wish I could undo years of heartache and pain. : I will pray for you here. Just as you taught us about wounds. Perhaps this experience you have had of feeling so cold and of feeling heartache and pain will one day become a soothing balm for others. Perhaps, in ways you cannot even see, it already IS, or HAS BEEN. I'm convinced that when we have full sight one day we will see glory shining out of even our darkest times. : : I was never a successful pastor but I really wanted to be a blessing. I wanted people to know I loved them but I was too frail to really love them right. I wanted to be able to reveal God's presence and see miracles for everyday people who would shine like the sun. I would give anything to go back and just love them better. I would lay down my life tonight if I could erase every pain I ever caused. : I know those regrets, I've had some of them myself. I won't give you some cute fluffy reassurance, but I do feel that God sees your heart and though all you may see is where you suppose you have failed, or where you might really have failed, God sees you redemptively. He sees you and is pleased. He will truly say those special words to you one day that you long to hear. : : I will probably feel like erasing this post tomorrow. It is just a big mess, but that's because I am a big mess. I do know what I will do now. I am going to just start praying for everyone I can think of all the time and just try to find some sort of reason for my existence in that. I can still pray. I do not know how much power my prayers still have. At one time they were powerful. I did battle and won for those I loved. I will dedicate myself to them again, even if they do not know it. : I will join my prayers to yours. What little prayers mine are. Perhaps God will hear us. : : I want to see another glimpse. I want to open the curtain and reveal his glory, but first I need to see it again for myself. I did see it once, and I heard his voice, and it consumed me, and I so deperately need to it again. : May you be overwhelmed. : : The Caedmon's call song reminded me of Thomas Merton's Seeds of Contemplation I was reading today, however strange that may seem. The world has nothing for me, but all I have ever known of God has come through it and all I can ever hope to know will be revealed through this world and this existence somehow, since I am so bound to it. I want to see the holy in everything that exists, and truly love that part that is God, and yet not be in any way bound to inordinate love of any vehicle that reveals Him. : This is good Steve. I recently saw a Merton documentary and remembered the ways that Merton steered me toward Christ as an adult. He really has alot of worth to say about silence and also about community. I love his thoughts. I also agree with not being bound to the vehicles, but instead truly loving God in a pure way. I also like seeing him in everything that exists. This means even in people who do not wear the name Christian. I seek him in every encounter, and I do not want to put myself in a place of assuming he is NOT there. I look for him by faith even in those who do not claim to know him. I believe he is there waiting to meet me. : : This is all probably so confused. I am just happy to have a friend to share with. Forgive the old man who is probably losing his marbles. : Please, continue to lose your marbels.

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