Posted by Helena Basquette on December 23, 2005 at 08:25:54:
If you are easily offended, please don't read any further.
A new priest was so nervous at his first mass that he could hardly speak. Afterward, he asked the monsignor how he'd done. The monsignor replied, "when I'm worried about being nervous, I put a glass of vodka next to the water at the pulpit. If I start to get nervous I take a sip."
So the next week the priest tried it. At the beginning of the sermon he got nervous and
took a drink. It worked well and he talked up a storm.
When he returned to his office he found this note on his door:
Notes on your sermon:
1. Sip it, don't gulp it.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did NOT 'bet his ass'.
6. We do not refer to Jesus as the 'late J.C.'
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as 'daddy, junior, and the spook'.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not 'kick the shit out of him'.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say 'he was stoned off his ass'.
10. The cross is not refered to as the 'big T'.
11. At the Last Supper Jesus said, 'Take and eat...' not 'Eat me'.
12. Next Sunday there will be a TAFFY pulling contest at St PETER's, not the OTHER WAY AROUND.