Posted by cheri on May 04, 2004 at 23:49:56:
Before I tell you what happened today, I think I should give some backstory. I had a really bad depressive episode last year and had to quit work (I was a caseworker) and school until I got better. I was way stressed out and had way too much on my plate. I happened to be in a good financial state because I moved into an apartment my parents own, and I had just got a new car, paid off. So I took time off, fixing up stuff around my apartment and de-stressing my life as much as possible. When I felt better, about 1 1/2 months later, I started looking for another job. And kept looking. And looking. I was looking for anything. I started working for UPS, and my 3rd week I hit my arm hard on a chute, I went back to work but then my arm became more messed up so I had to quit. I've been working for my parents through all this. They own two apartment complexes and have a ministry through that with the homeless, mentally disabled, and elderly (that's an entire other long post!). My duties are being a liason between the mentally disabled and their caseworkers, some office duties like collecting rent, and some maintenance and cleaning. My mom recently asked me to work full time for them, so she can take more time off work and possibly retire from the office work and focus on the ministry. My sister in law works there, as well as my brother, who recently lost his job and is trying to start his own business.
Ok, enough background, are you still awake?
Working with my dad and my brother has not been entirely fun. I usually just work and they are out doing maintenance jobs most of the time. My dad and my brother have never understood, or even tried to understand how serious my depression was. They just think I'm lazy (I've had a job since I was 13 years old, the longest I have ever gone without a job before last year was 1 week). They have said many hurtful things to me, which I have tried to ignore, but today I was just plain angry, fed up, tired of being disrespected. So I went off on my brother, which is not like me. I wasn't yelling or anything, but I was angry and I showed it and I really didn't feel too good about letting my anger get the best of me. I realize that this anger has just been festering inside and just sucking all the happy out of my life.
After that episode, I went to my apartment to smoke (I'm quitting, I promise!) and cool down for a few, then went to the hospital to see my grandma. She's physically doing better, mentally she is still delerious. She kept introducing me to the nurses and doctors as her niece, and forgot my name. She knows nothing about the family situation I am dealing with, she doesn't need all that. So I just sat with her, we held hands and talked about anything. There were moments where I could see a spark of recognition in her eyes, but then it would go away so fast. Before I left, I kissed her on the forehead and hugged her and told her I love her and I was praying for her. As I started to walk away, honest to God, she grabbed my hand and so clearly said "Cheri, God is faithful. He has a plan for you and your job will work out, I've been praying for you and I know you can do this. Just hang in there." By the time she was finished I was in tears. I hugged her again and left. And prayed and cried like a baby the whole way back to the office. The cool thing? The anger, the weight I have been carrying, was gone. I laughed more this afternoon and evening than I have in a long time.
I know I have a long way to go with my relationships with my dad and brother. I can't say I will never be angry again. But I do know that God did something really cool in my life today. And I wanted to share it with you all, because I know we all have our down times and need encouragement. So for those of you that are going through a hard time, be encouraged. God has a plan for you.
Hugs and love (and apologies and a mocha latte to those who endured reading this),
Cheri