Posted by PS on March 19, 2005 at 01:22:09:
In Reply to: Re: something new posted by jonvon on March 15, 2005 at 19:17:13:
: thanks john, this is more encouraging than you can possibly know. i have to admit i have felt extremely lost, especially just the last few days. i was at a funeral today that was very quiet, subdued, but almost blinding in power. it was as though i faded before it, whitewashed in some way, like i was becoming one with a white wall behind me. like i was disappearing. but dissapearing in a wash of power. a big scary wash that kicked my ass.
: i vacillate sometimes between thinking i finally know who i am, and realizing i am as blind as ever, or moreso than ever. christianity is a tricky one because it is so powerful. there is individual power and then there is something else. something external, but i feel it within.
: am i making less sense now?
* * * * * * *
You are making so much sense to me that it is like something I lived myself. The identity thing is recurring for me. It is certainly a vacillation in my perception (as with you), but I think it is ONLY in my perception, and it is necessary to maintain the dialectical tension between losing myself and gaining myself, which is for me the whole essence of true identity--and power. I am not mistaken on either pole; my ontological perception is like an alternating current. Great power is generated in the crises of being slammed in opposite directions.
Now it's my turn to ask--does any of this make any sense?
(By the way, I do not say "I" above to be exclusive or self-absorbed; in fact, I almost said "we" in a few places, but I did not want to be so presumptuous as to impose my understanding upon your experience, or anyone else's. ;-) )
The realization of both external and internal power--I actually wrote soemthing about that earlier tonight in a response to John and Dave called some rambling logos.
Disappearing in that wash of power--I think I have experienced something like it a few times. The power was terrifying...
I wrote more, but I used words, and I was not happy with them.
I am just starting this thread; I have been without sufficient time this week to really engage it so I avoided it until now. After I have read it, more words maybe...